Blog Post Zero, or: nobody asked for this but you’re getting it anyway.
Starting projects is hard. I suck at it. I’m starting to embrace the “tough self-love” mentality by repeatedly berating myself into doing things. I’ll lie around in bed and consider all of the many ways that I’m a useless piece of shit and this seems to help me to focus on the remedy for this problem, which is to just do it. This blog post is one of the many pills I’m going to be swallowing in an attempt to cure my chronic apathy.
I’m not entirely giving in to the countdown-clock-towards-death way of thinking, but I am starting to see my time - my waking, productive life - as a bucket with a small hole in the bottom and every day when I wake up the bucket is full of water, and every night before I go to bed the last drop trickles out and the process starts again the next day. This analogy is shit because a bucket with a draining has nothing to do with artistic fulfillment or creative productivity and why keep filling the bucket up anyway? But keeping the quality of this initial blog post low gives me an easier bar to step over for the next one, and thus motivates a subsequent post.
“Whatever you're meant to do, do it now. The conditions are always impossible.”
Who’s Doris Lessing? No, I’m asking because I don’t know... I heard Greg Proops drop this gem of knowledge on his hilariously erudite podcast and the quote stuck with me like a scar on a tree struck by lightning. It speaks to the relentless agony of feeling like a worthless piece of unproductive shit. It speaks to the anguish of staring at a blank screen and foolishly convincing yourself that you have something better to do. Lessing (via Proops) chides me for being lazy, but does so in a way that sounds knowing and understanding, it’s almost like this isn’t a novel doubt of mine, but something stitched into dreadful existence. Props to Proops.
Well, this blog has gotten off to a dreary start! I can tend to have a paradoxical way of thinking: I see things as pointless and empty but then use this bleak mindset as launch pad and motivator to, instead of wallowing in nothingness, make meaning and aid in my own creative purpose. The only thing stopping me is trivial preoccupation on the hole in the bucket, as if worrying about the water draining out will stop it or even slow it down a little (it won’t).
Part of me feels like this blog post is akin to proclaiming, “Guys! Did you hear?? The sky is blue!!” I am not the first to feel unproductive and worthless, and I won’t be the last. But it is incredibly cathartic to get these woes down in black and white, and it helps me to move on to the next thing. The structure that is my Body of Work will be built brick by brick and when that last bucket of water drips its final drop, there will be beautiful things left over because I decided to do something rather than nothing.